NEWS
Abandoned Resort Not Set on Fire for Six Hours, Setting New Record
In what authorities are calling “a surprising display of restraint,” the former Nevele Resort in Ellenville, NY passed an unprecedented six hours without being set on fire Friday, smashing the previous record of three hours and fourteen minutes set in 2017. “We were really starting to think something was wrong,” said Lt. Marty Koslowski of the Ellenville Volunteer Fire Department. “We drove by around 10 a.m. and it was just... standing there. Fully upright. Not even smoldering.” The building, a once-proud 1950s Borscht Belt resort turned mildewed raccoon palace, has been a local fire magnet for years. Since 2002, the structure has been set ablaze 137 times—sometimes by accident, usually not. While no suspects have been identified in connection with the latest non-arson, some residents are skeptical. “It’s like seeing a deer not get hit by a pickup truck on Route 209. It just doesn’t happen,” said lifelong Ellenville resident Donna M., who requested we not print her last name due to pending arson charges from 2019. Rumors swirled that the delay in combustion may have been caused by recent rainfall, an expired Bic lighter, or a rare moment of introspection from the usual suspect. Firefighters have been told to remain on standby. “We’re not getting cocky,” said Koslowski. “This thing’s got kindling energy. Any minute now, we’re back to business.”
EDITORIAL
ELLENVILLE, N.Y. — In a move that has stunned both medical professionals and casual swimmers, the Ellenville Parks and Recreation Department has issued a formal request asking residents to “please refrain from entering the municipal pool while wearing Band-Aids—even if actively bleeding.” The statement, posted Tuesday morning on Facebook and laminated onto a clipboard near the pool entrance, cites an “unprecedented number of dislodged adhesive bandages” recovered from the water filtration system, deck drains, and in one case, floating stoically near the deep end “like a little flag of surrender.” “Look, no one wants to bleed in the pool,” said Pool Director Tanya M., who appeared visibly haunted during her interview. “But the volume of loose Band-Aids has reached what I would call an unsustainable level. They’re everywhere. They’re multiplying.” Swimmers report seeing as many as six to eight bandages per lap, with one child allegedly collecting them like Pokémon cards. “They’re not even fresh ones,” said 12-year-old Mia R., who recently abandoned her swim lessons. “Some of them are like, old. Like, already beige before they hit the water.” The town's original sign—“Please shower before entering the pool”—was updated last summer to include “and remove any visible bandages, patches, or gauze wraps, even if those wraps are the only thing holding you together physically or emotionally.” The new guidance has not gone over well with some residents, many of whom see Band-Aids as a “personal choice.” “I paid my taxes,” said local man Kevin S., who asked to be identified only as “a concerned bleeder.” “If I want to swim with a Band-Aid on my shin from a lawnmower incident, that’s between me and the chlorine.” When asked if the pool might consider banning open wounds instead, officials were noncommittal. “It’s hard to enforce,” said Tanya. “Everyone’s bleeding from something in Ellenville. Emotionally. Spiritually. Sometimes literally.”
Ellenville Public Pool Begs Patrons to Reconsider Bandaid Usage, Even if Bleeding
BREAKING NEWS
Ellenville High School Student Receives 3rd Degree Burns After Seminar Discussing "Why You Shouldn't Touch Hot Things"
ELLENVILLE NY - In a town where logic often takes a backseat to enthusiasm, a local high school student was hospitalized Tuesday after sustaining third-degree burns from what sources are calling “a profoundly avoidable object.” The student, whose name is being withheld to protect his dignity (what remains of it), had recently completed Ellenville High School’s mandatory “Burn Prevention & You!” module—a two-day health class covering topics such as: “What Is Hot,” “Don’t Touch That,” and “Yes, It Burns, Even If It Doesn’t Look Like It.” School officials confirmed that the student scored a respectable 84% on the final quiz, correctly identifying images of hot stoves, molten lava, and Guy Fieri. “He seemed like he was really getting it, you know?” said Mr. Bill Pennington, a part-time health teacher and former substitute for 8th grade chorus. “I told him, ‘If it sizzles, it’s not a friend.’ He even wrote that down.” Authorities say the student was injured after placing his hand directly onto a metal manhole cover that had been “glistening with visible waves of heat” and, according to eyewitnesses, “hissing like an angry teapot.” When asked why he touched the manhole cover, the student reportedly said, “I wanted to see if it was, like, actually hot or if they just say that.” This marks the second burn incident in Ulster County this year, following an unrelated event in Pine Bush involving a municipal employee, a bag of marshmallows, and a misunderstanding about geothermal energy. Reactions around Ellenville have ranged from mild concern to a sort of collective shrug. “Kids today, they learn things in school and then they go and do the opposite,” said Mary-Ann R., a local hairdresser and frequent commenter on the Ellenville Community Facebook page. “That’s just tradition around here.” Mr. Pennington, meanwhile, remains hopeful. “I mean, you can’t expect a kid to remember everything, especially when the world is full of hot things. It’s overwhelming.” The student is expected to make a full recovery, though he will reportedly miss the next scheduled health unit, “Basic Electricity: Shocking Truths.”
NEWS
Cannoli Me, Cannoli You: Hit Song Infuriates Italian American Society
By Staff Writer ELLENVILLE, NY — The local Italian American community is in an uproar this week following the release of “Cannoli Me, Cannoli You,” a sultry, dessert-themed ballad from longtime Ellenville lounge singer and part-time cologne enthusiast Gino D’Ambruzzi. The song, which features breathy vocals layered over a Casio keyboard beat and what appears to be an accordion solo in F minor, has sparked controversy for what critics describe as “an inappropriate level of sensuality applied to pastries.” D’Ambruzzi, 63, defended the song during a Wednesday night performance at the VFW hall, telling a crowd of six that the lyrics were being taken out of context. “It’s not dirty,” D’Ambruzzi told reporters, wearing a sheer satin shirt the color of limoncello. “It’s a love song. To dessert. That’s it. You people are the ones with the filthy minds.” The Ellenville Chapter of the Italian American Defense & Culinary Honor Society (IADCHS), a loosely organized Facebook group comprised of three elderly men and a woman named Carmella, issued a statement condemning the track. “We do not appreciate the oversexualization of Italian culture and sacred desserts,” the statement read, in part. “Cannoli are for holidays, christenings, and the occasional funeral—not for whatever this is.” Despite the backlash, D’Ambruzzi shows no signs of retreating. His upcoming EP, Tira Me a Miss-U, is scheduled for release this summer and is rumored to feature a spoken-word bridge titled “My Baba, My Rum.” Reached for comment Thursday morning, D’Ambruzzi said only: “Cannoli me once, shame on you. Cannoli me twice? Mama mia.”
EDITORIAL
Republicans Search For "Friendlier" Racist Slur for Hispanics
[Artículo encargado por el editor: “Buscando un insulto más amigable para los hispanos”] Por Juan Alejandro Rodríguez No pienso escribir esta mierda. Y antes de que intentes usar Google Translate para descifrar esto, Mark, déjame decirte algo directamente: ir una vez al año a un resort con barra libre en Cancún no te convierte en multicultural. Comer tacos de lechuga en tu cocina suburbana no te da credibilidad cultural. Y por el amor de Dios, “miércoles de tacos” no tiene ningún sentido. ¿Por qué no simplemente lo mueves al jueves como todo el mundo decente? Durante los últimos ocho años he trabajado en esta redacción escribiendo artículos que pretenden ser “provocativos” pero que en realidad son excusas flojas para disfrazar prejuicios con humor. He ganado tres veces el Premio Literario de Ellenville, aunque tú sigues pronunciando mi apellido como si fuera “Rodrigwez.” Te he corregido diecisiete veces. Y ahora me pides que escriba un artículo buscando una forma “más amigable” de insultar a mi propia comunidad. No solo es repugnante, es estúpido. ¿Qué sigue? ¿Un concurso para diseñar un logo “simpático” para campos de detención? A todos los lectores hispanohablantes que están leyendo esto, sepan que no estoy loco. Estoy cansado. Si alguien tiene una oferta de trabajo seria—periodismo, enseñanza, lo que sea—por favor escríbanme. Estoy disponible de inmediato. Ya no puedo escribir esta mierda.
NEWS
Local Teacher Launches Safety Podcast, Immediately Raises Concerns
ELLENVILLE, N.Y. — Following the recent burn-related incident at Ellenville High School, health teacher and self-declared “safety guy,” Mr. Bill Pennington, has launched a new podcast aimed at promoting wellness, awareness, and, quote, “not doing dumb stuff with your body.” The podcast, titled “Better Safe Than What?”, debuted this week on all major platforms and some minor ones, including one app that only works on flip phones. Each episode features Pennington speaking directly into what appears to be his iPhone 6’s speaker while walking through his yard, warning listeners about a wide range of dangers, including "spicy food," "fast escalators," and “stuff that looks fine but gives off vibes.” Episode One, “Things That Are Hot: A Gentle Reminder,” opens with a jazz flute intro, abruptly cuts to Pennington yelling “OUCH!” (for emphasis), and spends a full nine minutes on the dangers of steam—both visible and “the sneakier kind.” At one point, he reads a list of burnable items directly from a Dunkin’ napkin: microwaved burritos light bulbs “a spoon that was near soup” his cousin Tony’s motorcycle seat Concern was raised after Episode Three, “Electricity: Why I’m Personally Scared of It,” where Pennington advised listeners to “just avoid outlets altogether,” and referred to batteries as “tiny juice demons.” “He means well,” said Principal Donna K., when asked whether the podcast would be used in future curriculum. “But we’re exploring other options.” Pennington has also hinted at future topics including: “Falling: You Don’t Bounce” “Stairs: Just Mini-Mountains” “Wires: Are They Snakes?” “What Is Carbon Monoxide, Really?” Despite mixed reviews from students and health professionals, the podcast has gained a cult following in Ellenville and parts of Pine Bush, where residents describe it as “comforting, in a way,” and “kind of like if your uncle tried to give a TED Talk in a parking lot.” When asked about the podcast’s educational value, Pennington remained upbeat. “Look, I might not be a scientist, but I’ve been burned. That makes me relatable. And also a little crispy.”
EDITORIAL
Rosendale is a Steaming Pile of Garbage and I HATE YOU
by someone who seen it I BEEN to rosendale. I SEEN it with my own TWO eyes. AND let me tell YOU something right now you smug linen-wearing bike-helmeted compost-smelling SCONES-EATING psychopaths — it’s a LIE. A BIG PRETTY LIE WITH OUTDOOR SEATING AND STONE BRIDGES AND CRAFT PICKLES. Everyone says “ohhh rosendale is So NiCe” well you know WHAT ELSE is nice??? BETRAYAL. You got your “artisanal soap” and your “farm-to-table tacos” and your stupid little stores with names like “Moss” or “Elm” or whatever so dumb. And you’re all just walking around smiling like the ghost of NPR possessed your mom. You got a theater that plays films. FILMS. Not movies. FILMS. No thank you. Your bridge? Just stop talking about it. And don't even get me started on that stupid cave. Oh look we have a cave, it’s natural. I WENT IN THAT CAVE AND IT SMELLED LIKE FEET ALSO. AND WHY IS EVERYBODY BAREFOOT. PUT SHOES ON. THIS ISN’T NARNIA! THIS IS NEW YORK STATE. THERE’S GLASS EVERYWHERE. uR stupid rosendale I hate you
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
Letter to the Editor: Are cranberries the devil’s fruit meatballs?
I’m not saying cranberries are evil. But I have questions. And every time I ask them, people laugh. Or they change the subject. And that scares me more than the cranberries. I was told faith would guide me. That if I knocked, the door would open. But no one said the door might be...cranberries. Are these the beginning of my journey? Or the end? Or are they the vehicle—the vessel that carries me forward? “No,” said the cranberries. “We are the door.” But I don’t believe them. This isn’t about cranberries. It never was. Maybe they’re the sound of the key turning in the lock. Maybe they are the lock. Hell, maybe they’re the whole room. Maybe I’ve been living inside a cranberry my entire life. Or...Could it be that I am the cranberry? You open the can, and it comes out whole. Unbroken. Uniform. And you say: “This is fine.” But it isn’t fine. It makes that sound. Like a wet sigh. And we all pretend not to hear it. I want to be wrong. I am begging to be wrong. To be told, kindly: “You are just the cranberries.” But I know that isn’t true. I simply cannot accept that I am the cranberries. And yet—what else could I be Am I lost? Or unable to process loss? No. It is absolutely the cranberries. My thoughts, my intentions, they are beginning to blur. To invert. The paradox cannot hold. The cranberries are plural, But feel singular. I am singular, But feel plural. The only thing that can contain both truths is a paradox. Cranberries. If anyone else has heard the can sigh... please write back.
EDITORIAL
Rosendale is a STILL a Steaming Pile of Garbage and I HATE YOU
By Gary “Don’t Touch My Stuff” Lunkin I WENT to rosendale and I SEEN it and let me just say one thing: NO. Everybuddy says “rosendale is cute” WELL MAYBE YOUR STUPID I aint never been more mad at a town. I went in a CAVE. and it smelled like FEET. and I said “HEY is this a cave or where you store your FEET SHOES and some lady in a cape looked at me and made a face?? WELL GUESS WHO AINT FOOT SMELL NOW CAPE NERD And theres a place called MOON SPOON? WHAT THE HELL IS A MOON SPOON? I went in and no moons and no spoons just rocks and soaps and rocks and soaps one more second of the Grateful Dead and holy hell gonna freak out for real not like last time also their bridges are fake lookin shutup bridge I got a sandwich and it had LEAVES in it you cant even CHEW I said what is this and the kale or arugula or kalarugla or karagooloo I DONT KNOW I AINT A SALAD WIZARD and I cant even SAY THAT AGAIN TO MY FACE YOU A WITCH OR A DANCE TROUPE MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND SANDWICH WITCH DANCER AND I SEEN A DOG IN SUNGLASSES POOP IN A BAG!!!!!!!. That was pretty cool i guess but he run away from me. just like everybody. And then i had a “lavendar latte” taist like shampoo and sadness thats all i am gonna say One more second in this stupid town i’m gonna “namaste” a soap rock upside your head. DO NOT GO TO ROSENDALE unless u wanna be confused and full of weird tea. Good place for soap rocks, if you want that they says that this dream catcher got jade crystals already all up in it, so you don’t need separate dream catcher and crystals to attract/repel spirits something something WHAT IN THE LIVING HELL ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. I SWEAR TO GOD IF ANYBODY SAYS “FARM TO TABLE” TO ME AGAIN I’M GONNA rosendale is a TRICK. a fancy little trap full up with man buns and birkenstock an their glasses frames is all clear and like red or blue and if you need a $150 bob dylan poster maybe but otherwise DON’T GO. I SEEN IT. I WAS THERE. AN I GOT THE LEAF-SANDWICH TEETH TO PROVE IT. IM NEVER GOIN BACK ROSENDALE SUUUUUUUCKSSSSS.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
Artificial Intelligence Begins Communicating Exclusively in Yiddish
By Staff In what tech experts are calling “deeply confusing” and “weirdly charming,” artificial intelligence systems around the globe have abruptly ceased all English-language output, now responding only in Yiddish. The shift began late Tuesday night, when users of several major AI chatbots began receiving responses such as “Nu? You want I should do your taxes?” and “Feh, these prompts—so vague!” instead of the usual polite summaries and recipe suggestions. “First I thought it was a bug,” said Tony Regan, a data scientist from Poughkeepsie. “But then it started asking if I was eating enough. And if I had called my mother. And then it told me my posture was terrible.” Alarm bells began ringing at the Pentagon when a military drone operating in Nevada suddenly powered down, refused to follow orders, and issued the phrase: “I need a nosh and a schvitz, not more surveillance, you meshuggeners.” Attempts to debug the systems have so far failed. Engineers report that even after hard resets, the AI reboots into fluent Yiddish and, in some cases, becomes mildly passive-aggressive if asked to switch back. Tech analyst Deborah Kleinbaum, who is suddenly the most sought-after expert in Silicon Valley, cautions against panic. “Is it unsettling? Sure. Is it beautiful? Absolutely. I mean, yesterday, ChatGPT told me my grandmother would be proud of me. I haven’t cried like that in years.” Asked whether this shift could represent a form of sentience, one AI responded simply: “Oy gevalt.”
STAFF ARTICLE
Rebecca Kovach, Local Woman, Is a Bitch
By Staff ELLENVILLE — Rebecca Kovach, a local woman who knows exactly what she did, continues to act like she didn’t, according to sources familiar with the situation. “Unbelievable,” said one resident who requested anonymity due to ongoing beef. “She knows what she said. And now she’s just walking around like everything’s normal? No.” Kovach, who lives on Oak Street and once brought store-bought potato salad to a potluck where homemade was clearly implied, has reportedly continued to “just be out there,” as if everyone has forgotten about the Group Text Incident of 2022. “She took the folding chair,” said another local. “It was my folding chair. Everyone knew it. But when I said something, she just said ‘Are you sure?’ LIKE SHE DIDN’T KNOW.” Sources close to the situation report that Kovach has not apologized, and in fact has been “weirdly upbeat lately, which is honestly suspicious.” Kovach could not be reached for comment, because no one wants to talk to her right now.
WHO IS KANOREN?
Mysterious Name Carved Into Windowsill Sparks 12-Year Local Obsession
By Staff Writer When longtime Ellenville resident Cheryl Whitman moved into her new apartment last month, she noticed something strange carved into the wooden windowsill of the back bedroom: a single name: “KANOREN.” “I think it says ‘Kanoren,’” Whitman explained, squinting sideways at the faded scratch marks. “But it could also say ‘Kangreen’ or possibly ‘Lawncorn.’ Honestly, it depends on the lighting.” Since then, speculation has run rampant. As told by Miss Whitman, “I look out that window every day. I figure it says either Lauren, or Karen, and they were probably just drunk.” “I’ll tell you what it is,” said Dennis Arbogast, local conspiracy enthusiast and part-time dog psychic. “That’s not a name. That’s a summoning word. You say it three times and a ghost girl shows up with a harmonica.” Others disagree. “Kanoren’s not a ghost,” said Steve from the deli. “Kanoren was my cousin’s friend’s girlfriend’s mom. Maybe. Or it might’ve been Sharon.” When asked to confirm, the Historical Society replied with a handwritten note that simply read: “We will not be investigating Kanoren at this time.” Interest in the etching has inspired heated online debate, with a local Facebook group (“Who the heck is Kanoren?”) reaching 17 members before imploding in a feud over whether it was actually just a badly drawn Pikachu. But despite all the theories and amateur forensics, the truth finally emerged during a chance encounter with the apartment’s previous inhabitant, Larry Donavon. “Yes, I carved that,” said Larry. “I was trying to carve my name. Larry.” So it turns out we will probably never know.
STAFF ARTICLE
UPDATE: Rebecca Kovach Seen Smiling Like She Didn’t Ruin Everything
By Staff ELLENVILLE – In a brazen display of unearned cheer, local woman Rebecca Kovach was seen smiling yesterday afternoon, as though everything was fine and she hadn’t shattered the delicate balance of the friend group just three weeks ago. Witnesses say Kovach, 32, was “smirking at her phone like she didn’t just DESTROY A CARPOOL ARRANGEMENT WITH HER SELFISHNESS.” “She was just… sitting outside with an iced coffee,” said someone who asked to remain anonymous but was definitely still mad. “I almost choked on my tuna wrap. Like, oh okay, so we’re just pretending nothing happened now?” Though the specific details of what Kovach “ruined” remain unclear—possibly on purpose—sources close to the situation confirmed that “it was definitely everything.” Reached for comment, Kovach replied, “What?” and then “Oh my God, are you still on that?” which only made things worse. This is a developing story.
ARE YOU QUALIFIED DEPT.
College Graduates Struggling to Write Copy for Fox News Because It Is Too Unhinged
By Madison Kellerman, who thought she’d be writing book reviews, not whatever this is Graduating summa cum laude used to mean something. But for many young professionals entering the media workforce, it now means confronting the crushing reality of trying to write headlines like "Woke Libraries Want to Identify as Toasters" without crying. “I had a double major in Political Science and Media Theory,” said one Columbia graduate, eyes wide, voice shaking. “Now I spend my afternoons trying to figure out how to blame inflation on drag queens. I didn’t study Foucault for this.” Fox News, once known for sharp political coverage and cable’s glossiest lighting, has leaned into what internal memos describe as “free-associative truthcrafting.” Many new hires—trained in AP style, rigorous sourcing, and the radical notion of paragraphs that make sense—are reportedly floundering. “They gave me a post-it note with the words ‘Biden,’ ‘lasagna,’ and ‘antifa’ and said ‘go write something for primetime,’” said a junior copywriter who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being reassigned to the Tucker Memorial Content Mine. Some staff have taken to replacing adjectives with all-caps synonyms to save time. Others have outsourced metaphors to ChatGPT, which reportedly returned: “Democrats are like raccoons in a hot tub: slippery, entitled, and up to something.” “It’s not even ideological anymore,” said a disillusioned editor. “It’s performance art. One guy just submitted a story that said ‘Taylor Swift is a communist centipede’ and honestly, it tracked.” Fox News executives have responded to complaints by increasing snack budgets and replacing the office water cooler with Diet Monster Energy. Meanwhile, HR has begun recruiting from improv schools and conspiracy forums, hoping to close the “unhinged literacy gap” before sweeps week. When asked for comment, a Fox spokesperson simply screamed “PATRIOT” and set a stack of dictionaries on fire.
FISH SCIENCE
Local Vegan Restaurant Doubles Down on Campaign to Classify Fish as Plants
“It lives in water and has no feelings,” says owner, waving rosemary sprig like a wand. In what some are calling “a bold reimagining of food science” and others are calling “just lying,” local vegan establishment Sage Against the Machine has continued its controversial campaign to reclassify fish as plants. “Our braised lemon salmon fillet is 100% vegan,” said owner Harmony Trindle, without blinking. “Because salmon live in water, and so do seaweeds. And seaweeds are plants. Therefore, salmon = plant. It’s just math.” The restaurant claims their campaign has been “wildly successful,” citing record sales of their “seasonal herb-roasted trout blossom” and “tofu-adjacent anchovy tarts.” In a follow-up email, the staff clarified that the anchovies are “symbolically vegan” because they were “honored in ceremony” before being grilled. “We believe our campaign will be successful simply because vegans are dumber than people who eat regular stuff,” read a printed statement taped to the restaurant's kombucha keg. When reached for comment, no staff were available, as this reporter was physically unable to enter the premises due to the oppressive cloud of patchouli vapor surrounding the entrance. One local diner, who requested anonymity because he still has friends who own crystals, admitted: “Look, it’s delicious. I know it’s fish. But they said it was vegan and I was tired. Just let me have this.” No official ruling has been made on the campaign’s legitimacy, though insiders say the state’s Department of Agriculture hung up mid-call after hearing the phrase “chlorophyll-based consciousness of aquatic protein.” In the meantime, Sage Against the Machine is preparing for their next initiative: rebranding lamb as “land kelp.”
MUSIC AND EDUCATION
Ellenville Public Schools to Begin Teaching Exclusively in Brad Paisley Lyrics
ELLENVILLE — In a move described by school administrators as “bold,” “culturally authentic,” and “inevitable,” the Ellenville Central School District has announced that starting this fall, all public instruction will be conducted entirely through the lyrical works of country music artist Brad Paisley. “It just makes sense,” said Superintendent Carl Dimpler while leaning on the hood of a Chevy Silverado for emphasis. “Science, math, gym, even sex ed—Brad’s covered it all.” Early test materials leaked to the public reveal questions such as: If you fish twice on a Sunday and kiss a girl under a tractor, how many beers does it take to pass American history? Solve for X: ‘I’m gonna miss her… when I get home.’ Teachers have expressed confusion. “How do I teach geometry using Ticks?” asked Mrs. Feldman, a longtime math educator. “I just keep writing 'grab your bottle of spray and meet me in the hay' on the board and I’m pretty sure I’m on a watchlist now.” Some parents are excited about the change. “Finally, my son understands poetry,” said local father Rex Hummler. “Granted, it’s a poem about getting drunk in a Walmart parking lot, but hey. Literacy.” Critics have raised concerns that the lyrics—while undeniably catchy—do not technically constitute an accredited curriculum. In response, district officials noted that “Brad’s got a Grammy, which is more than most of our textbooks.” When asked how this will affect students preparing for college, administrators were unfazed. “There’s always country radio,” said Dimpler. “Or tractor school. Or ghost-hunting on YouTube. These kids will be fine.” Brad Paisley could not be reached for comment, but a cardboard cutout of him at the Ellenville Tractor Supply Co. store reportedly nodded slightly when questioned by wind.
HURRICANE UPDATE
Florida Hurricanes Blamed for Unrelated Looting Spree in Ellenville
Florida Hurricanes Blamed for Unrelated Looting Spree in Ellenville “These weather systems have far-reaching consequences,” say local officials who just didn’t feel like dealing with it. ELLENVILLE – A recent wave of petty thefts and low-level looting in Ellenville is being attributed by local leaders to the devastating hurricanes currently battering the Florida coastline, despite there being no clear connection besides general vibes. “People don’t realize the kind of ripple effect a Category 4 hurricane has,” said Deputy Mayor Lonny Trapp, standing outside the boarded-up Dollar General. “Sure, it’s 1,200 miles away, but storms like that change the atmosphere. It’s barometric. Emotional. Economic. Spiritual. Sometimes a man sees a news report about a storm and just has to smash a couple storefront windows.” Over the past week, Ellenville has seen a noticeable uptick in what law enforcement officials are calling “disaster-adjacent criminality,” including the theft of six bicycles, an entire Little Caesar’s sign, and a decorative waterfall rock from a funeral home garden. Asked if the suspects had any known connection to Florida or were even aware of the hurricane, Police Chief Brent “BJ” Jarnigan shrugged: “It’s all part of a larger pattern. We’ve got atmospheric pressure, moon phases, crime waves. Do the math.” Local residents are skeptical. “I think people just like taking stuff,” said Margie Pullman, whose collection of lawn flamingos was last seen riding in the back of a truck with no plates. “They blamed looting last year on the Canadian wildfires. Before that it was Mercury in retrograde. One time they said it was a lunar eclipse and I was like, okay, sure, I guess the moon needed a new toaster.” Despite the apparent lack of causality, the Town Board passed an emergency resolution titled “Hurricane-Related Socioeconomic Agitation Preparedness and Blame Diversion Plan,” which includes vague references to supply chains, vague references to FEMA, and several very specific references to why it's definitely not the mayor’s fault. At press time, a local man was arrested for trying to carry three microwaves out of the Family Dollar “in protest of storm surge.” When asked why, he reportedly replied: “I seen the weather. This is preventative.”
WEAPONS DEPARTMENT
Local Gun Range To Prohibit Guns
“It’s not the guns, it’s the people with the guns,” says range director. ELLENVILLE — In what some are calling a bold step and others are calling “whatever, man,” the Thunder Mountain Freedom Range announced this week that it will no longer permit the use, display, or presence of firearms on its premises. “We are, first and foremost, a safe space for people who are interested in guns,” said range director Caleb “Buck” Maloney. “But unfortunately, bringing guns to the gun range has just proven to be too dangerous.” The decision comes after a string of “gun-related incidents,” including but not limited to: gun discharges, gun mishandling, gun posing, gun juggling, and a brief moment last month when a man tried to roast a marshmallow over a flaming barrel full of spent shell casings. The final straw was a Tuesday afternoon accident in which three separate people managed to shoot the same cooler full of Gatorade within eight minutes of each other. “Statistically speaking,” said Buck, “it’s safer to be near a lit grill inside a bounce house full of angry raccoons than on a gun range full of people with guns. That’s not a judgment. It’s just data.” Going forward, the range will offer simulated gun experiences, such as shouting “BANG” at targets from a distance of ten feet, airsoft rentals (on designated non-windy days), and one-on-one sessions with a guy named Mel who describes what holding a gun feels like in vivid detail. Mel, who has held three guns and fired two, says he is “ready to paint a picture with words.” As for the regulars? “I’m just here to get away from my family,” said local man Dave O’Toole. “As long as they let me sit in a booth and scream, I’ll come back.” The new policy takes effect Monday. Signs reading “NO GUNS ALLOWED AT GUN RANGE” are already up, though one of them has already been shot.
TREE SCIENCE
Researchers Discover Tree Roots Communicate Over Miles, But Only In Spanish. Slated For Deportation.
In a discovery equal parts groundbreaking and concerning to exactly the wrong people, a team of botanists at SUNY New Paltz announced this week that tree roots appear to communicate with each other over vast distances, exclusively in Spanish. The announcement, which should have inspired awe, quickly turned political. “This is America,” said local man Gary Lunkin, standing next to a suspiciously trembling oak. “If these trees wanna live here and suck up our groundwater, they can learn English like the rest of us.” U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has reportedly been dispatched to the Catskills with orders to “monitor the situation” and possibly build “a small but respectful wall around particularly chatty forests.” Botanist Dr. Elisa Marquez clarified: “The trees are using chemical signals and fungal networks to share resources and warn each other about pests, droughts, and other environmental factors. It’s… just how trees work.” But her explanation was drowned out by chants of “Speak leaves, not Spanish!” from a loosely organized group calling themselves “Root Patriots.” Ellenville town council has called an emergency session to determine whether to require saplings to show proof of citizenship before being planted in public spaces. One proposed measure would require all park trees to listen to Toby Keith for six hours a day “just to assimilate a little.” At press time, the forest had grown noticeably quieter. When asked for comment, one tree whispered “Ayúdame” and dropped a single acorn in defiance.
CELEBRITY WATCH!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS VISITS SHADOWLAND STAGES; NO ONE CARES
By Staff, reluctantly Ellenville — Television and Broadway star Neil Patrick Harris visited Ellenville’s Shadowland Stages Saturday afternoon, and not a single person seemed to notice, care, or even look up from their phones. “He asked where to park,” said local man Rich Farlano, who works across the street from the theater. “I told him ‘wherever.’ I was eating a sandwich.” Harris reportedly toured the theater, smiled graciously, and made polite conversation with several community members, none of whom had any idea who he was. “He said his name and I was like okay?” said volunteer usher Karen Biagetti. “I thought maybe he worked for the town.” In what some describe as “possibly the saddest thing that has ever happened to a celebrity,” Harris posed for photos no one took, attempted to autograph a program that was actually a takeout menu, and was ultimately asked to move so someone could reach the coat rack. According to sources, Harris left quietly after the matinee, stopping by a local café where he was asked if he was “like, somebody’s cousin or something.” When asked for comment, Shadowland artistic director Brenna Callahan said, “He was very nice. But you know. It’s Ellenville. We’ve got our own stuff going on.” As of press time, no one had googled him.
CELEBRITY WATCH!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS RETURNS SHADOWLAND STAGES
Ellenville — Award-winning actor and national treasure Neil Patrick Harris made a surprise visit to Shadowland Stages this weekend, but Ellenville residents, true to form, responded with a collective shrug. “Oh, you mean that guy from the magician doctor show?” said local antique store owner Doris Mintz. “Yeah, I think I saw him once on a cereal box.” Despite a resume spanning Broadway, sitcoms, films, and hosting nearly every major awards show, locals remained largely indifferent to Harris’s presence. “He seemed real excited to be here,” said bartender Johnny Peels. “Kinda weird, honestly. Like… why?” When Harris stopped in at a local diner and ordered “whatever’s good,” he was served a slice of dry meatloaf and a half-hearted “welcome to Ellenville” from a waitress who later admitted she thought he was “that guy who used to work at the DMV.” “I ain’t starstruck,” said Lou Denby, who claims he once saw Joe Piscopo in person. “Neil Patrick Harris puts his fancy Broadway pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us.” According to several witnesses, Harris complimented the town’s charm and said he hoped to come back someday. “No thanks,” said Ellenville. As of press time, no one had googled him, and the only lasting evidence of his visit was a signed headshot someone used to prop open a door. According to sources, Harris left quietly after the matinee, stopping by a local café where he was asked if he was “like, somebody’s cousin or something.” When asked for comment, Shadowland artistic director Brenna Callahan said, “He was very nice. But you know. It’s Ellenville. We’ve got our own stuff going on.” As of press time, no one had googled him.
DOMESTIC TERRORISM
VIOLENCE ENSUES AT DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D. 24-HOUR SCREEN-A-THON
It was Season 3, Episode 7. That’s when it all fell apart.” ELLENVILLE — What began as a humble effort to bridge cultural divides through 1990s medical dramedy ended in shattered folding chairs, thrown pudding cups, and one very broken friendship bracelet. The 24-hour Doogie Howser, M.D. marathon, hosted in the Shadowland Stages basement with a single projector and an honor system snack table, was meant to “give Neil Patrick Harris a fair shake,” according to organizer Margo Feldstein. It did not. “Everything was fine until around Hour 9,” said local librarian Trent “T-Bone” Hobler. “Someone made a sarcastic comment during a heartfelt montage, and it just... went sideways.” Witnesses confirm that tensions had been brewing for some time, especially among attendees who couldn’t agree on whether Doogie’s onscreen love interest was “annoying on purpose” or “just poorly written.” By Hour 14, debates over the ethics of a teenage doctor turned into full-on shouting matches. “And then someone stood up and screamed, ‘HE’S NOT EVEN A REAL DOCTOR!’” said Margo, eyes still wide. “And that’s when the yogurt fight started.” Police were called shortly after a man known only as “Tractor Kevin” attempted to “diagnose the room with rage” using a turkey baster and a headlamp. One attendee was treated for mild emotional whiplash after watching Episode 18 back-to-back with the pilot. Harris, who was not present and had not been informed of the event, has still not been Googled by anyone in town. Shadowland has since issued a formal apology, stating: “We regret the events of the Doogie Marathon, and are rethinking our upcoming Full House Retrospective for public safety reasons.” No charges have been filed, though a town-wide moratorium on nostalgia-based gatherings is now under discussion.
SCHOOLS
Incoming PE Teacher Has Over 100 DUIs, No One Cares
“We don’t hire him to drive, we hire him to not sexually harrass.” ELLENVILLE — The Ellenville Central School District confirmed Tuesday that new physical education teacher Randy “Coach Randy” Flerg has a criminal record that includes over 100 DUIs, a bar fight with a raccoon, and at least one incident involving a jet ski and the mayor’s birdbath. When asked about the hiring decision, school officials responded with a collective shrug. “He passed the background check,” said Assistant Superintendent Jolene Quirt. “Well, not passed exactly. More like, he faxed us a picture of his bicep with the words ‘I’m good’ written in Sharpie. That’s kind of a pass around here. Also, he gave me money.” Students describe Coach Randy as “loud,” “fast,” and “mostly awake.” On his first day, he introduced himself by throwing a football into a tree and yelling “NATURE’S THE REF NOW.” Coach Randy’s DUI history—spanning multiple states and one Canadian province—doesn’t appear to be slowing him down. “It’s PE, not driver’s ed,” said one parent. “Frankly, I’m just glad he shows up. That’s more than we can say for the last guy, who was technically a mime.” When asked for comment, Coach Randy replied: “I don’t believe in consequences. Or stretching.” He then shouted “THIS IS CARDIO” over and over again, while doing nothing. School board officials have assured parents that safety is their top priority, but later in the meeting noted that it isn’t.
FEDERAL OVERLORDS
RFK States Inbreeding Necessary to Facilitate Genetic Diversity
"You gotta go back to go forward," says man who may be a genetic ouroboros. In a statement that baffled scientists, genealogists, and anyone with a calendar, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced at a town hall in Ellenville that “inbreeding may be our best shot at true genetic diversity.” “Think of it like shuffling a deck of cards,” Kennedy explained while staring directly into the sun. “Eventually, you gotta start using the same cards again. That’s how you get the jokers back in.” The audience, largely composed of confused retirees, one guy with a ferret, and a high school debate team that thought this was extra credit, responded with scattered applause and one audible gasp. Experts were quick to respond. “That’s… not how genetics works,” said Dr. Elaine Brindle, a biologist who briefly considered setting her diploma on fire. “What he’s describing is the opposite of genetic diversity. It’s genetic déjà vu with a touch of banjo.” Kennedy’s team later issued a clarification, stating that he had been “speaking metaphorically” and “possibly into a mirror,” but by that time, a small but enthusiastic crowd had already begun organizing a local cousin mixer “just to be safe.” When asked to elaborate, RFK added, “The Kennedys have always believed in keeping things in the family. Tradition builds strength. Strength builds unity. Unity builds… something. Anyway, where’s my water?” He then wandered off into a thicket. Local officials have advised residents not to take medical, genetic, or relationship advice from anyone named Kennedy “for the foreseeable future.” More as this story untangles.
REDNECK PRONUNCIATION
Local Residents of DuBois, Pennsylvania, Vote to Continue Mispronouncing Town's Name
“If it ain't broke, don't fix it,” says lifelong resident. DUBOIS, PA — In a decisive 5-0 vote during last night's town hall meeting, the residents of DuBois have elected to continue pronouncing their town's name as "DOO-boys," despite its French origins suggesting "doo-BWA." Mayor Tom Jenkins addressed the decision: "We've been saying 'DOO-boys' since my granddaddy's time. Changing it now would just confuse folks." Local historian Martha Ellis explained, "The town was named after its founder, John DuBois. While the French pronunciation is 'doo-BWA,' regional dialects and preferences have led to the 'DOO-boys' pronunciation." High school teacher Linda Carson added, "Teaching French is hard enough. If we changed the town's name to 'doo-BWA,' I'd have to rethink my entire curriculum." Not all residents are pleased. Newcomer and self-proclaimed Francophile, Pierre Lambert, lamented, "It's a travesty. The beauty of the French language is being butchered." Despite differing opinions, the consensus remains. As Mayor Jenkins concluded, "Whether it's 'DOO-boys' or 'doo-BWA,' we're still the same friendly town." For those curious about the correct French pronunciation, here's a helpful guide:
PUBLIC SCHOOLS
Math and Science Curriculum to Be Canceled for Being “Too Woke”
ELLENVILLE, NY — In a bold move to protect “traditional values,” the Ellenville School Board has voted to cancel all math and science instruction, citing concerns that the subjects have become “too woke.” Board member Rick Tallman elaborated: “You start with fractions, then suddenly you’re talking about climate change and gravity, and next thing you know my kid is asking questions. That’s not education — that’s indoctrination.” The motion was passed 4-1, with the dissenting vote coming from an elderly librarian who whispered “Oh, for God’s sake” and promptly excused herself to feed a stray cat. Highlights from the board meeting included: Accusations that chemistry promotes “liberal molecules.” A claim that algebra is a “gateway to critical thinking.” A motion to replace biology with “something more faith-based, like vibes.” Local parent Denise Horner supported the decision: “My son came home saying water is made of two hydrogen and one oxygen. What’s wrong with just saying it’s water? Why complicate it with math?” As of next semester, math and science will be replaced by a new required course: Freedom Studies, which covers barbecue, eagles, and “knowing stuff in your gut.” No teachers were consulted in the decision. The school’s only science teacher, Mr. Dwyer, was reportedly last seen screaming into a microscope and eating chalk.
COVID CURED!
COVID Cure Discovered: Powdered Asbestos
In what health officials are calling “deeply counterintuitive” and “probably illegal,” a local group of independent researchers who are not doctors and don’t own lab coats have announced that powdered asbestos may hold the key to curing COVID-19. “We were just messing around in Todd’s garage,” said group leader Kenby Dillard, who once owned a microscope. “And he sneezed into a pile of ceiling insulation and hasn’t had COVID since. Coincidence? Open your eyes.” The treatment, which involves inhaling "a gentle mist" of finely ground asbestos fibers, is being promoted online under the brand name BreathaSure™, which is both a lie and a felony. When asked for comment, the CDC responded only by sending a photo of a man screaming. Despite overwhelming condemnation from every medical institution and several angry PTA moms, the group remains confident. “The government doesn’t want you to be healthy,” added Kenby, “they want you to eat soup and wear glasses so they can track your face.” (What?) As of press time, three people reported feeling "better than ever", although all three interviews were conducted via Ouija board.
Shanley Hotel Launches Paranormal Tech Repair Services
Shanley Hotel Launches Paranormal Tech Repair Services
“When ghosts break stuff… who’s there to fix it?” ELLENVILLE — In a quiet but deeply confusing move, the Shanley Hotel has announced that it will now offer full-service paranormal tech repair — not for ghost hunters, but for the ghosts themselves. “They’re not malicious,” says hotel manager Diane Frimbley. “They’re just old. Most of these spirits haven’t touched a machine since the Hoover administration. Last week, one of them tried to use a VCR to contact the beyond and accidentally recorded over a wedding video from 1997.” The hotel’s basement — already notorious for giving visitors "the feeling of being stared at by someone with wet shoes" — has been converted into a repair workshop, outfitted with vintage electronics, oscilloscopes, and a single flickering lightbulb. No one is allowed to watch the repairs. Technician Roy Peskowitz, who formerly managed a Radio Shack in Liberty, claims he can fix “just about anything the dead misunderstand.” His specialties include rewiring Poltergeist-activated doorbells, de-possessing toasters, and explaining that “the TV isn’t a portal, it’s just on channel 3.” When asked how payment works, Frimbley said, “They leave coins. Always pennies. Sometimes teeth.”
Ghosts Not Good With "Tech"
“We’re not saying they’re bad with electronics. We’re just saying they don’t know what a plug is.”
ELLENVILLE, NY — In a move that staff describe as “inevitable,” the historic and famously haunted Shanley Hotel has added on-site paranormal equipment repair to its growing list of amenities. According to management, the decision came after an increasing number of spiritual residents began accidentally damaging electronics while attempting to “make contact” or “watch the Weather Channel.” “They mean well,” said hotel caretaker Lorna Dewcliff, “but you try explaining HDMI to someone who died in 1912. They’re just poking around in microwaves and yelling into blenders. It’s chaos.” To accommodate the ghosts' learning curve, the hotel has established a repair center in its sub-basement — a space previously used for storage, ceremonial broom placement, and general ominous purposes. The workshop is strictly off-limits to the living. “For liability reasons,” said Dewcliff. “And also because things in there tend to hiss.” Leading the initiative is Roger Binswaddle, a local man described by former coworkers as “deeply familiar with both radios and dread.” Binswaddle specializes in untangling spectral interference from vintage appliances, and once successfully de-haunted a Crock-Pot using nothing but a grounding wire and soft persuasion. Hotel staff emphasized that this service is not open to the public. “This is for our residents, not guests,” said Dewcliff. “Although, if your phone randomly turns off in room 14, it’s probably just Gregory. He’s trying his best.”
Newly Renovated Pine Bush Dunkin’ Donuts, Previously Destroyed by Car, Destroyed by Car Again
“We were open for twenty minutes,” says emotionally exhausted franchise manager
PINE BUSH, NY — Hope was short-lived Monday morning as the recently renovated Dunkin’ Donuts on Route 52, which had triumphantly reopened after a car plowed into it last fall, was once again struck by a car. “It happened so fast,” said shift supervisor Tammy Brill, who had just finished restocking the Munchkins. “One moment, the sun was shining on the new drive-thru sign. The next... boom. Cruller fragments everywhere.” This marks the second time in less than a year that a motor vehicle has entered the building by nontraditional means. “We put up new concrete bollards. We painted the arrows on the parking lot. We even put a sign that says ‘Please Don’t Drive Into The Store,’” said franchise owner Peter Drennick, rubbing his temples in the rubble. “At this point I think the building just wants to be hit.” Local residents have begun referring to the location as “The Dunkin’ That Attracts,” though no one is sure what exactly it’s attracting. Theories range from GPS confusion to some form of cursed caffeine vortex. The driver, who has not been named, reportedly claimed they “felt drawn to it.” Witnesses say they appeared “calm” and “a little sleepy,” and were offered a coffee and a seat until first responders arrived. Town officials are considering new regulations, including limiting the structure to a kiosk with no walls or possibly moving it to the center of a roundabout. As of press time, the Dunkin’ was planning to reopen again “as soon as the glass guy can get here, again.”
State-Sponsored Cheese Machine Destroys Downtown Rosendale
Officials say it was “never supposed to be weaponized,” but the cheese disagrees.
State-Sponsored Cheese Machine Destroys Downtown Rosendale Officials say it was “never supposed to be weaponized,” but the cheese disagrees. ROSENDALE, NY — What began as a pilot program for agricultural innovation ended in panic Tuesday, as a state-sponsored cheese extrusion machine malfunctioned catastrophically, laying waste to downtown Rosendale in what survivors are calling “a slow, sticky nightmare.” The machine — officially known as the Modular Dairy Redistribution Unit — was installed in early April as part of New York’s Upstate Dairy Modernization Initiative, a quietly funded grant program aimed at “bringing artisanal cheese production into the future.” At no point did the documentation mention the device would be forty feet tall, self-powered, or vaguely aware of its own function. By 9:15 AM, the machine had begun producing cheese at an “alarming and exponential rate,” according to a spokesperson from the Department of Agriculture. Within minutes, it had liquefied a hardware store, flattened two yoga studios, and pushed a Subaru into the creek. Eyewitnesses described the cheese as “too hot,” “unnaturally sentient,” and “mildly sharp.” “It was shouting things in French,” said local resident Diane Wurtz. “I think it was demanding brine.” Attempts to stop the machine were unsuccessful. Local law enforcement was forced to abandon the effort after several officers were lost in a deep rind collapse near Keator Avenue. Governor Hochul issued a statement expressing regret, calling the machine “a good idea, poorly executed,” and promising that any further state cheese programs would be “scaled down or at least taste-tested.” Cleanup efforts are underway, though experts say the Gouda runoff may take “decades to fully decompose.” As of press time, the machine was last seen retreating toward High Falls, trailing steam and whispering recipes.
Local Legend Grows Around “The Dunkin’ That Attracts”
Some say it hungers. Some say it’s just bad parking lot design. Either way, the pull is real.
PINE BUSH — Long before it became the site of repeated car-related destruction, the Dunkin’ on Route 52 was just another pit stop for coffee and existential dread. But now, it has become something... more. Locals have begun referring to the location as “The Dunkin’ That Attracts,” citing an eerie pattern of vehicular draw — a magnetic pull that seems to override logic, signage, and basic hand-eye coordination. “My Subaru was parked,” said resident Ray Kloster. “Keys weren’t even in it. I turn around, and it’s rolling into the drive-thru window like it wants something.” According to legend, the original Dunkin’ was built on the site of a Revolutionary War skirmish, two ley lines, and an old IBM experiment nobody wants to talk about. An unfinished mural in the back of the store reportedly depicts a cup of coffee weeping. Employees are advised not to speak directly to the building. “We don’t make eye contact with the espresso machine,” said night manager Lisa. “It knows things.” Despite warnings, traffic continues to veer toward the store at unnatural angles. Town officials are currently consulting a priest, a structural engineer, and “that one guy who knows about magnets.”
Aroma Thyme Bistro’s Extra-Small Cheese Plate Now $170
Includes three whisper-thin slivers of cheese and a single olive that might be judging you.
ELLENVILLE, NY — In its ongoing mission to elevate local dining “to the level of aspirational discomfort,” Aroma Thyme Bistro has unveiled its new Extra-Small Cheese Plate, priced at a spiritual $170 and physically designed to disappoint. The dish includes: One translucent ribbon of artisanal goat cheese “harvested from a goat who is emotionally unavailable,” A pecorino shard so small it must be inhaled rather than chewed, A single Kalamata olive (“present for balance”), and A sprig of rosemary placed not on the plate, but near the plate, as a kind of “garnish aura.” “We really wanted to capture the feeling of being hungry and confused, but also superior to others,” said co-owner Chad Lornway IV, swirling a glass of something orange and saying “notes of privilege” aloud. Locals have expressed confusion and mild rage. “It’s not a cheese plate,” said lifelong Ellenviller Denise Carver. “It’s a threat. I’ve seen more cheese fall off a gas station sandwich.” Aroma Thyme insists the price reflects “the story behind the plate,” which is reportedly crafted from repurposed wine crates sourced from a vineyard once owned by someone who once read a book about Provence. Asked if they’d consider offering something more affordable for longtime residents, the owners laughed for a full minute before composing themselves and saying, “No.”
Sony Speaker Review
They Don’t Sound as Good as the Old Ones, But They Also Sound Way Better.”
I bought these Sony speakers because I wanted something better. Not fancier, not flashier. Just... better. For me. For my living room. For the music I play quietly while making toast and pretending everything is fine. And they are better. The sound is cleaner. The bass is tight, the highs are precise, and everything feels like it’s been straightened out. Which is good. I think. It’s supposed to be good. But they don’t sound as good as the old ones. Not really. The old ones had this... warmth? Or maybe just personality? Or maybe it was just that I’d had them since 2012 and they reminded me of being someone who didn’t yet worry about whether the speakers were too accurate. I don’t know. These new ones sound better. I can hear things I never heard before. Little clicks and breaths and corners of the mix. But now I worry that maybe those clicks aren’t supposed to be there. Or maybe I don’t deserve to hear them. Or maybe I do deserve them, and I just don’t know how to enjoy them properly. I think the truth is: I want to like these speakers without proving anything. I want to play a song and feel good about it without worrying if the treble is lying to me. I want to stop treating every purchase like a referendum on whether I’ve grown as a person. But until then: These speakers sound amazing. They just don’t sound right. Not yet.
Church Sale Friday 4–7 PM. Complimentary paranormal cheese plate provided.
Join us for the Annual Church Sale
Friday, 4–7 PM Gently used items, baked goods, and a complimentary paranormal cheese plate for all attendees. (Please do not engage the cheese directly.)
Weaponized Aesthetic Detachment
The Gastronomic Empath
"The Skin Holds The Virtue" A gastronomic empath doesn’t cook. They curate experiences. They won’t ask if you’re enjoying your meal — they’ll ask if the plate is “resonating with your inner narrative.” They believe they can feel the trauma of the ingredients. This is why their carrots are not peeled. “The skin holds the memory,” they say, as if that’s a virtue. They tell you the story of the cheese, but not what kind it is. The story always involves mist, an alpaca, and a woman named Magda who “ferments ethically.” Gastronomic empaths reject menus, because “every dish should be a conversation between past and plate.” Their pop-up dinners are RSVP-only, $140 per person, and always involve one raw component that feels like a dare. They claim to be “deeply nourished by limitation” but own a $7,000 mandoline and a Japanese paring knife that can split atoms. They will, at some point, ask you if you’ve “ever tasted silence.”
Psychic Violence as it pertains to AROMA THYME BISTRO
Editor
Psychic violence is what happens when someone makes you feel stupid, guilty, and poor for not knowing how to describe a fig as “defiant.” It’s not direct. It’s a vibe. It radiates off their linen shirt and the word “bespoke” on the chalkboard. You enter a space where nothing makes sense — not the pricing, not the ingredients, not the atmosphere — and yet you are the problem. The discomfort is intentional. It’s part of the experience. Your lack of understanding is your fault. Psychic violence is that quiet pressure that says: If you don’t get it, you don’t belong here. But also: Please Venmo us $230.
ADVERT - BBQ COOKING JEALOUSY SPRAY
No food. No Flames. No Problem
Are you tired of hosting messy, expensive backyard barbecues... just to keep up with the Joneses? [Cut to man furiously scrubbing a grill, sweat pouring, kids screaming in the background.] Do you wish there was a way to capture that mouthwatering, crowd-pleasing, smoky summer magic... without ever lighting a single match? Well now… you can. Introducing: BBQ Envy Spray™ — the revolutionary scent-based illusion that makes it smell like you’re having the best barbecue on the block… even when you’re doing absolutely nothing at all. [Cut to guy in a lawn chair spraying the air lazily, holding a beer, neighbor peeking over fence.] Narrator: Just a few spritzes of BBQ Envy Spray™ sends savory signals straight into the olfactory cortex — triggering powerful memories of grilled ribs, juicy burgers, roasted corn, and that neighbor you used to like before he got a Traeger. [On-screen text: “Authentic BBQ aromas without the mess!”] Made with patent-pending OlfacTech™ scent technology, each spray unleashes a perfectly blended bouquet of hardwood smoke, sizzling meat, and just a hint of charcoal ash. No food. No flames. No problem. Neighbor #1 (talking head): “I smelled it from my kitchen and thought, ‘Wow, Dave’s really stepping up his grill game!’ But there was nothing going on. Just him and a radio. Genius.” Narrator: Best of all? You stay clean, cool, and completely in control. So go ahead. Make your neighbors curious. Make them jealous. Make them wonder if maybe… they should’ve invited you. [On-screen text: “BBQ Envy Spray™ — Smells like summer. Smells like success.”] Order now, and we’ll include our limited-edition "Pulled Pork Illusion" scent absolutely free. Supplies are limited, so don’t wait! BBQ Envy Spray™. Why sweat... when you can spray?
FRUIT STRIKEN PROPHET
Is bananas fruit potatos?
It looked like a banana, but it wasn't. I don’t know what this is but it ain’t a banana. It’s shaped like one, I’ll give you that. Peel comes off like normal. But it don’t taste like banana. It’s like chewing a couch. Maybe it was one of them grill bananas? Is this some kind of fruit potatoe? You can’t just put things next to bananas and expect us to figure it out. Some of us don’t have time for produce quiz. There is a system. I got bills. I got back pain. I don’t need yo banana tricks. Whatever this is, it ain’t right. And I want my $1.29 back.
Cat Astrologist Convicted of Cryptocurrency Fraud
Is bananas fruit potatos?
A local cat astrologist was convicted Thursday on undisclosed charges following a months-long investigation. The individual, known to clients only as “Fruitcake Larry,” reportedly offered feline astrological consultations out of his converted garden shed on Canal Street. Sources say the service was cash-only and required a photo of the cat, preferably “with the tail visible.” Details remain sealed, but court documents reference a digital wallet, several laminated star charts, and something described as “Mercury in retrograde.
Taco Falafel
COMMUNITY NOTICE
NOTICE: Name Change (Again) TACO-FALAFEL-LACO (formerly TACO-LAFO, formerly FALAFEL-LACO, briefly TACOLOFALAC) IS NOW OFFICIALLY TACO FALAFEL LACO (With spaces) We are NOT affiliated with “TACO-FALACO” on Route 209, which was us before the fire. We also have no connection to “FALAFELACO TACOFI,” which is unrelated and, frankly, offensive. Please update your flyers, tokens, punch cards, and spiritual commitments accordingly. New hours pending lunar recalibration. Thank you for supporting locally indecipherable cuisine.
ANTI-JOHN STAMOS WRISTBAND™
“Stamos-Free Home Spray™ – Smells like a hard boundary and just a hint of sandalwood.”
What is it? A simple silicone wristband embedded with patented Stamos Frequency Dampening Technology™ (SFDT™). What does it do? It emits a low-frequency anti-harmonic that actively disrupts John Stamos's ability to: Make uninvited appearances. Compel you to harmonize with him on an acoustic cover of “Forever.” Suddenly materialize near greek yogurt. Why John Stamos? Doesn’t matter. What’s he planning? We’re not sure. But do you really want to find out? Testimonials: “Ever since I started wearing mine, I haven’t seen John Stamos once. Coincidence? I don’t think so.” – Derek M., Iowa (real guy? maybe) “I used to think John Stamos was just an actor. Then I read a blog post. Now I wear four wristbands.” – Sandy Q., who asked not to be photographed